History of Kool-Aid

After a great deal of time contemplating whether or not to write about cupcakes again, I decided against it. Today, however, I am going to blog about how when people think of sugar, they think of Kool-Aid (where’s Devin?). I think of, contrary to popular belief, sodium bicarbonate, but since most people think of Kool-Aid, I guess I’ll write about that.

A rare fact: Kool-Aid was invented by Dennis Kucinich. He did so in 1843 when he discovered America alongside his best friend, Dogmeat. It wasn’t until 1945 when he introduced it to the masses as well as his greatest invention, the Experimental MIRV. He was trapped in the Armory with the Keller family and he invented it because the Keller family was too busy taking care of their retarded, deaf and blind bitch of a daughter, Helen. The only thing she could say was water so Sir Kucinich (he was deemed “Sir” by a big pitcher full of red stuff later called the Kool-Aid man) made a delicious drank that would be made by simply adding water and later sugar.

If there are any questions please feel free to keep them to yourself and, as always, trust me, I do science.

Scientific Cupcakes

What does make a cupcake delicious? Is it the 1 to 1 ratio of flour to sugar? Is it the eggs you put in to bind the mixture? Or is it the effort that you have to put into each warm, fluffy, bite-sized cake that melts in your mouth? There is no correct answer to this conundrum (although as a professor, I know that it is obviously the ratio of flour to sugar) there is however, scientific proof that shows what makes it a delicious snack/addiction.

Have you ever wondered why you have to put baking soda into a pastry? Do you even know what baking powder is made up of? Baking powder is ground up cocaine. I made the mistake of smelling it one day in my laboratory, but that is a different story for a different day. Two funerals and over a million dollars of repairs later, I discovered that it is simply ground up cocaine, as stated above. That is why cupcakes are the most addictive substances in the world.

Also, and because science has never proven us wrong before (i.e. big bang, no God, and something about a figment of your imagination), here is the scientific evidence. Here is a recipe of possibly the best type of cupcakes, Chocolate:

• 2 cups all purpose flour
• 2 cups sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 cup shortening
• 3/4 cup water
• 2 large eggs
• 3/4 cup milk
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 4 ounces melted unsweetened baking chocolate

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line cupcake pans with paper liners. Combine all ingredients into large mixing bowl. Mix at low speed for 30 seconds, and scrape bowl. Mix at high speed for 3 minutes. Fill liners 1/2 to 2/3 full of batter. Bake 20 to 25 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 10 minutes in pans then remove from pan, and place on wire racks to cool completely. Frost when chocolate cupcakes are completely cool.

Now, this recipe is very specific because it shows the most efficient process to get maximized flavor out of your delicious confection. It was, of course, written by me and if you would like my cookbook please call me. My number can be found in the corporate directory under the amazing pastry chef/scientist/professor section. Only two names are found there, myself and Steven Colbert (With the “t” pronounced at the end). Stay fresh and believe me, I do science.